A Christmas jingle for every specialty

When I was asked by a colleague to write a funny blog for the Medical Post, how could I resist? Why not have some holiday fun? Let’s match some medical specialities and diagnoses with popular Christmas songs and carols and see if a Child is Born. O Come, All Ye Faithful and read this Silver and Gold studded Holly Jolly Christmas article. Anesthesiology: Count down backwards from ten and you will get a Silent Night. Gives a whole new meaning to sleep in heavenly peace. Radiology: From now on our troubles will be out of sight but still caught on MRI, making the correct diagnosis so that you can Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.Cardiology: All wired up and nowhere to go on the CCU ward—O Holy Night, O night divine. Can you give me another sublingual lorazepam? Emergency Medicine: Fly off this Sleigh Ride and a 911 call will get you there in a hurry, you ding a ling a ling a ding a ling. And when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, one of My Favorite Things is sitting for hours on end in the Emergency Department.Family Medicine: Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town and if he runs into any medical problems, the clinic will see him as a walk-in patient. Out of province billing applies but we will throw in a few bonus cookies and milk. Medical Genetics: Things just don’t look right, What Child is This? Neurology: How better to learn the 12 cranial nerves than humming along with The 12 Days of Christmas.Obstetrics and Gynecology: Some of our aging maternity wards might have us wondering about the delivery Away in a Manger. Ophthalmology: After the cataract surgery It Came upon a Midnight Clear thankfully without any haloes and I don’t mean the saintly type.Pathology: Sorry Suzy Snowflake, we lost your specimen, seemed like it melted in transport. Recollect in a flurry. Allergy and Immunology: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire fueling an anaphylactic nut allergy, as the Epi-pen punctuates the last line of The Christmas Song.Pediatrics: This family had three boys and We Three Kings ran the show in that household.Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation: If your presenting history is: All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth, you are probably going to have to see an orthodontist.Dermatology: Mele Kelikimaka, get a few too many sunburns in Hawaii and you might be getting a skin check as a Christmas Gift. Psychiatry: Balls of snow that come alive – thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump- well that’s a lot of wintery hallucinations from Frosty the Snowman. Better off we put SSRI and SNRIs in the water and bring some Joy to the World.Plastic Surgery: A lot of asks could be accomplished by a little bit of sugar daddy cosmetic surgery by Dr. Santa Baby. Orthopedics: If the hip surgery goes well I’ll Be Home For Christmas . . . on crutches that is. Urology: What’s worse than yuletide renal colic and Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree? Probably Nutcracker Sweets.ENT:Some pulsatile tinnitus could be The Little Drummer Boy on your tympanic membrane begging the question Do You Hear what I Hear? Addiction Medicine: Angels We Have Heard on High become the demons screaming the morning after.Geriatrics: Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all and can you name all the other reindeers? Move aside MMSE . . . Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer is a better memory test for dementia.Sexual Medicine: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus which was only mildly attention-grabbing until one thing led to another and Here Comes Santa Claus.Internal Medicine: Show us all the latest and greatest technology you have to make a diagnosis; it like watching a March of the Toys.Gastroenterology: You keep eating junk food and living in your Marshmallow World and we’re going to have to scope you until Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Respirology: My cyanosis will hopefully be improved by a bit more home oxygen and my Blue Christmas might get a bit pinker.Palliative Care: I have never been a fan of the royalty but as the end approaches, We Three Kings of Orient Are will guide us to thy perfect light. Rheumatology: My joints are aching and Baby It’s Cold Outside. This is going to trigger my Raynauds.Sleep Medicine: To cure my chronic insomnia I went to O Little Town of Bethlehem and experienced thy deep and dreamless sleep, as the silent stars went by. Best slumber of the season. Travel Medicine: Take your Diamox and Go Tell It on the Mountain—the higher the better.We Wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and I do too! Hope you were seduced by the salacious slice of sensationalized seasonal silliness!Dr. Ted Jablonski is a performing artist and writer who has retired his family practice to focus on sexual medicine and transgender health in Southern Alberta with two feet still on the front-line trenches of acute primary care.

A Christmas jingle for every specialty

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