Beyond ‘no means no’: Creating a culture of consent

My generation has consent education starting in college. Nowadays, kindergarten kids are taught to ask before they offer a hug and if their friend says no, they don’t hug them! My kids’ sleepover camp has a chaotic bedtime ritual where counsellors run from cabin to cabin offering each child a “hug, handshake, high five or smile.” This ritual is rooted in a deep desire to meet each child’s needs and is a brilliant exercise in consent culture. Each of us should be able to decide when and how we want our bodies to be touched. The blind assumption that your desires are the same as another person’s can lead you to commit sexual assault, even if you have no malicious intent. Shifting your mindset to embrace “consent culture” is key to forging healthy relationships with all the people in your life. Consent culture centres on communication instead of entitlement and requires us to reflect on what we believe we deserve. It’s about explicitly setting and respecting boundaries. When I was growing up, the motto for getting consent was “No means no.” This concept has evolved to a more nuanced understanding that interactions are complex and power differentials affect our ability to be in relationship with each other. In 2016, Planned Parenthood used the acronym FRIES to help us think about consent: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific. The first phrase “Freely given” is the most complicated one. If a person gives someone a ride to work every day, can the person dependent on the ride consent to sex? Their income depends on that person’s willingness to drive. Could they lose their job if they say no? Is this a situation where they can freely consent? Reversible: You might have been totally interested in a sexual encounter before dinner, but once the food poisoning hit everything changed. You might have been interested in some light bondage until you realized your partner had started undressing without discussing safety or asking your preferences. You might have been fine with sex without a condom until you remembered halfway through that you forgot to take your Pill this morning. Sex is a complex mental and physical interaction and consent is fluid. You’re allowed to change your mind at any time. You don’t owe your partner an orgasm; each person has the ability to take care of that ourselves. Informed: In medicine, when we talk about Informed Consent, it means that we’ve discussed the risks, benefits and alternatives of a course of action. When you’re consenting to sex, you need to know the specific risks. When were they tested last for STIs? Have they had partners since then? Are they vaccinated for HPV? Where are they in their menstrual cycle? Are you going to use a condom? What is the melting point of the wax they’re going to drip on you? Being an informed partner means being educated and communicating clearly. Enthusiastic: In non-sexual parts of our lives, we rarely give people a flat-out no to things, we defer, make an excuse, or negotiate. If your roommate asks to borrow your favourite sweater and you really don’t want to lend it you might say “I’m not sure where it is. I might have left it at work” or “last time you brought it back dirty—will you promise to get it dry cleaned?” If you’re the one asking, and you get a repeated ambivalent response, it’s vital that you realize your request may be unwelcome and stop asking. Enthusiasm is conveyed in words, and also in body language. Look at your partner’s face and be honest with yourself about what you see. Specific: There’s no such thing as blanket consent. You gotta ask as you go along. Just because someone comes home with you or grinds with you on the dance floor does not mean they’re okay sharing fluids with you. If I were writing the acronym I’d make it a Large FRIES where the L stands for Legally Competent. Someone cannot consent if they are drunk, drugged, demented or a child. If someone comes on to you when they’re impaired or a minor, show your maturity by taking care of them rather than taking advantage of them. Get them home safe. If we conceptualize a sexual encounter on a graph, we have 4 quadrants. If sex is consensual and pleasurable it’s a great day! If sex is non-consensual, whether our bodies become aroused or not, it is assault. Society doesn’t really have a framework for processing the fourth scenario where consent was obtained but sex still felt bad. I think that when people voice concern about the risk of false rape allegations, they’re often thinking of scenarios that fall within this quadrant where consent was obtained but one of the people involved has regrets. Obviously, this is less likely to happen if partners are experts in engaging in Large FRIES consent behaviour and checking for ongoing enthusiasm. Sometimes, though, even with good planning and communication there is mental or physical discomfort that occurs. The BDSM community has given us a tool to help manage that, and that tool is called Aftercare. Aftercare is a check-in with your partner(s) that is planned for after a sexual encounter. It’s a time to take care of each other while the endorphin high starts to recede, a time when some people might experience emotions of sadness or shame called postcoital dysphoria. It helps you feel safe, connected and cared for. Aftercare can include cuddling, checking in, and cleaning up together. In the operating room, the team debriefs together after surgery. The debrief includes: What we did, and if that differed from what was planned What went well What needs improvement How we’re going to improve it Hearing that something needs improvement from your sexual partner can feel pretty awful. It can feel like rejection and trigger shame. Try reframing with a Growth Mindset: each failure is an opportunity to get better. It’s impossible to read your partner’s mind. You never know until you try something whether it will be a spectacular success or a definite no thank you. Building in a debrief lets you create space for trying things and communicating without shame.

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Beyond ‘no means no’: Creating a culture of consent

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Blog Author

Kim Alexander

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